


Struck by Lightning

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-19 00:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14224926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon is pining after Baz and they are friends after their truce looking for the murderer of Baz’ mom. Now they are both afraid of what will happen after school is over: Will they never see each other again? Simon decides that they have to talk about the future.





	Struck by Lightning

I wasn’t prepared to fall in love. It struck me all out of sudden, like a bolt of lightning during thunder and storm. My universe had always been bleak but this was the cherry on top of the cupcake of misery I called my life.

I didn’t plan to fall in love with you. I never asked for it. But when I did, I fell hard. I fell into a deep, deep hole that I’d never be able to crawl out of. Sometimes people are imprisoned without even realizing because it’s such a huge part of their lives, they wouldn’t even know what to do if it wasn’t there. I’d thought, falling for you would be like burning, like fire and rage, because everything was fire with you. But instead, it felt like coming home. The smell of warm scones in the living room, the tightness of a loving hug, the feeling of, _I’m here to stay_.

Cedar and bergamot have always smelled like home to me, our little room at Watford, where you’d scowl at me and we’d fight because we were told to.

But you and I, we were forged from the same fire. Sometimes I hate you for acting like you did, but you also gave me something to live for. You were a distraction from the everlasting hardship I was going through back then. You were a break from dragons and monsters and insidious humdrums. After all, you were just a boy.

And once I knew that I loved you, there was no going back. I wasn’t doing anything by halves, I was full on, completely in love with you. And it was nothing like what I felt with Agatha.

So no, I didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t ask for it. But it didn’t take me long to figure it out after the world stood in flames and the mage had died and all my beliefs had crumbled apart.

A simple glance at you sufficed. When you smiled at me and I knew you were my friend and didn’t hate me and were on my side – when you _smiled_ at me, I was gone. Because that’s when I knew that I’d waited all my life for this to happen. For you to smile at me when the war was over.

That’s when I knew that, by far, you weren’t a monster. And that I loved every part of you, the beautiful ones, the ugly ones and the broken ones.

I might not believe in destiny but I believe in the smile you gave me that day. I don’t care that you’ll never understand me. I don’t care that you’ll never feel the same way about me. But I know that you are the one and I’m not letting you go. I’ve got you now. I’ve finally got you where I want you. And you can never know.

I’ve never been good at being a boyfriend. I’m good with _you_.

 

It’s Baz who asks first. Everything is unclear since the mage died and my whole future dissolved into nothing. Suddenly I have _a choice._ An actual real choice as to what my future will look like. Suddenly there actually is a future. I never thought I’d live past twenty. What do I do with a choice when everything had been determined all my life. Now I only know one thing for sure. I want you in my future.

“What do you think you’ll do after school?” Baz asks and doesn’t even look at me, as if he didn’t really care.

I shrug. He raises an eyebrow at me. If I could, I’d stay here like Ebb and watch the goats… but I can’t stand where she once was. I tried to go back there but the sadness was crushing me.

When people die, they leave traces all over the world. Ebb Petty left a hand print right on my heart. I don’t think it will ever stop hurting.

“I suppose… I’ll go to university somewhere.”

I wish I wasn’t so lost. I wish I had any idea where to turn. But the truth is, there is nothing left to fight for. _Except for you._

“Have you never thought about that before?” he says and I think he ridicules me. But then the corner of his lips curls into a smile and he adds: “Me neither.”

Because there was no point. And not even Baz had a plan B, he considered it that unlikely to surivive this war.

“I just…”

He doesn’t meet my eye.

“I just want to go to a university near yours.”

“Why?”  
“I just want to stay close to you.”

And with that, something cruel emerges in my chest, something painful.

“It almost sounds like you’re in love with me,” I smirk in a teasing tone but inside I’m dying because I know it’s not true. But then the silence stretches a little too long and I look up as his hands start fidgeting.

I watch as he calms himself and says in that cool tone of his, that I know is nothing but a cover: “Funny, Snow.”

“Baz.”  
“Leave me alone, Snow.”  
“ _Baz._ ”

“Just go!”

“But I thought you were straight!”  
Baz stares at me for a second and then he surprises me again, as always (that bastard). He bursts out into laughter.

“You really are oblivious, aren’t you?”  
I shrug again. Inside I’m freaking out. _What? What does this mean?_

Suddenly he smiles at me softly. Somehow it breaks my heart.

“Simon, you beautiful nightmare,” he whispers. “I’ve been in love with you since we were eleven years old. And I’m so sick of hiding this from you. I thought you would never know. I thought I would die, in your arms, before I’d tell you. But I guess things changed. We’re not enemies any more. It’s still a tragedy though, isn’t it? It always is. This is the point where we part. Where you tell me that we can’t be friends any more. That’s okay, Simon. I thought this would end a very different way.”

It breaks my heart, because he doesn’t even seem sad. Because he thinks this is the best possible outcome of events. Because he thinks I’ll let him leave in peace. But I won’t. I can’t let him go.

I take him by the back of his neck and put my lips against his.

At first he stiffens, then he melts against my touch. When I retreat, he looks at me with wide eyes and I smile the widest smile.

“Now who’s oblivious?” I grin.

And I don’t believe in destiny but I believe in his kiss. I believe that I’d never be able to love anyone the way I love him. And he’ll always be the one I want to come back to.

He smells of cedar and bergamot and I’m home.


End file.
